I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
