Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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