Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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