Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
