I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
