Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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