6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
