I don't think brook has ever known best
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Drunk is a universal language darling
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
