I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
