who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
