Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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