She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
