I could have mohawked her pubes.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
