I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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