Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
