How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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