I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
