I cut my penus on the lid.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize