On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize