I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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