standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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