my vag is so smooth its legendary
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize