You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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