Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
