had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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