If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
