I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
