K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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