Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
