Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
