Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
