Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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