I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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