When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i dont even know how to be here
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
