You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
