I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
