i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
