R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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