then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
