I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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