YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize