I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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