I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
