you guys were way drunker than both of me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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