just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
