Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
