Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Ladies don't puke and tell
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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