A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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