He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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