the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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