Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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