I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
