Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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