My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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