you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
