I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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