If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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