She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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