we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
