I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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