why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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