no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
