he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
