I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She is in my trunk
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
