your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
