I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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