When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
