We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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