I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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